i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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