WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
