What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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