So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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