I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
