So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
