I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
