Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize