fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
