Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
