they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
