I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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