after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My feet surprised me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize