this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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