ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
