my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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