Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
