Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i think i just lost a toe
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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