I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Randomize
