Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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