I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
