btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
