I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
