Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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