I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Randomize
