I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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