part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
