I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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