the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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