Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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