if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize