I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
