when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
