4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
