You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
