So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
