I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Randomize
