she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Let's get the cat blown out
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
