Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
