At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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