i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
