ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
