Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
