Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
