I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
