i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
