I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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