I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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