i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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