and you said cock pushups were impossible
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
