My liver just broke up with me...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
farters have to be the big spoon...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
