just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
