i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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