I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
