i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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