Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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