alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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