I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
