I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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