You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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