Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
