the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
