Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My hand turned me down
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
