I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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