Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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