gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
