Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
