I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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