I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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