god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
