Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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