i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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